10 May 2012

Just get married already!



For some, the institution of marriage holds no compelling force over their lives and relationships.  Even having children with a partner doesn't persuade some to 'take the plunge.'  Having been a married person for over 20 years (to the same person!) I can only guess as to their reasons, but here goes:

Some reasons why a committed couple might not either choose (or be able) to wed:
  1. One (or both) may still be married to someone else.
  2. They may have a same-sex partner.
  3. They are not planning on having children and don't see the need.
  4. They haven't been together long enough.
  5. The risk of financial loss in the event of a divorce is too scary.
  6. They just plain don't believe in traditional marriage.
  7. and many more...
Though the implications of being in a non-married pair today have little daily consequence- - even unmarried partners may insure each other in most employee benefit plans.  There are certain institutions which see things pretty much black and white.

It would be no surprise to learn that one of those institutions is the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service (USCIS).  To whom it may concern - the "defense of marriage" is live and well when it comes to foreign nationals obtaining status in the U.S.  Though everyday state legislatures are passing resolutions to permit same-sex couples to marry, these marriages are not recognized by the Federally-run USCIS.

The difference between being a married couple and just a couple is light-years away.  Married partners can:
  • obtain their own status as a dependent of a U.S. visa-holder.
  • depending on the visa type of the spouse, may be able to work in the U.S.
  • get a U.S. state driver's license.
  • decide to study at a U.S. college or university.
  • open a U.S. bank account.
  • and so on...
Perhaps it goes without saying that unmarried partners cannot do any of the above - they are seen only  as visitors.  It may be possible to obtain special visitor status in the U.S., but all this seems to do is give the option to remain in the country for, perhaps, 180 days instead of the typical 90-day limit.  Other than that, in the eyes of the USCIS, you're simply passing through.

Being in international assignment management, you become involved in people's lives in ways that you are happy to avoid as an HR Generalist.  Typical walls about what one knows about an employee's personal life are broken down.  Here are just a few examples of details you'll quickly find yourself knowing about an international assignee:
  • Marital and relationship status.
  • Sexual orientation.
  • Nationality of an employee's spouse and children.
  • Special needs of children and/or adult dependents.
  • Home ownership.
  • Number and types of pets.
  • Et Cetera...
So when I do learn that someone in a a long-term relationship intends to bring their non-spouse partner with them to the U.S., I simply lay out the cold hard facts about their partner's status in the U.S. and then wait for it to sink in.  Some will take some time to run the pros and cons and get married a few days, weeks or months later.  Some will have to separate.  Some will accompany their loved one and endure the implications.

I suppose, though I don't completely understand it, I admire the principles of heterosexual couples who, despite all the tangible advantages, still maintain their 'single' status.  Although the person without 'status' in the U.S. will be faced with special challenges every single day.  I do think this would affect the relationship between the pair, for sure!

I recall one couple in particular, who chose not to marry and even had children together during their assignment, yet chose not to marry.  In fact, it caused an issue when the woman overstayed her I-94 card's expiration because she was in the  hospital giving birth!  Unmarried couples have been pulled into "secondary inspection" which is a nice way of saying being intimidated and questioned by a customs official for as long as they'd like to keep you.

Then there's the same-sex couples who would love to marry, or even have married, but will never have the option of obtaining status in the U.S., unless they find their own employer-sponsor (a tough one in this job market).

These are the unintended personal consequences of going on international assignment.  All with implications vying to change the assignee's life forever.

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
- Shirley MacLaine



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